Let’s just be real: there’s this running message in and outside the church that says abstinence is only for a particular “type” of Christian. You know, the super spiritual ones. The ones who don’t struggle. The ones who aren’t dating. Or the ones who are “called to singleness forever.” Somehow, we’ve watered down abstinence to a suggestion, instead of seeing it as what it is, a call to holiness.
And I get it. When your desire for God is real, but your desire for connection, intimacy, and touch is also real, abstinence can feel impossible. Not because you don’t love God, but because you’re human. Add loneliness, disappointment, and pressure to the mix, and suddenly what God asks of you feels unfair, even outdated.
But here’s what I’ve learned: it’s not that abstinence is unrealistic, it’s that obedience is costly. And for many of us, that cost feels too high.
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Knowing and Choosing Are Two Different Things
Knowing that you should live for God and choosing to live for Him are two very different things. Christians understand that we’re called to offer our bodies as living sacrifices. That’s considered a reasonable request from the Lord (Romans 12:1). But let’s be honest, our flesh, which is part of our God-given nature, doesn’t always cooperate.
Paul, one of the most influential authors of the Bible, speaks to this tension in Romans 7:15: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do.” That verse has always comforted me. It reminds me that even the most devout can wrestle with doing what’s right.
Abstinence is one of those topics that always seems to stir up debate, especially in Christian spaces. When I decided to become abstinent 13 years ago, the conversation around purity was everywhere. But honestly, my decision wasn’t shaped by media or church culture. It was deeply personal. God came to me in a dream and told me I needed to live for Him, and for me, that included abstinence. That encounter gave me a conviction stronger than anything a sermon or social trend could offer.
Dating as a single woman in New York City or any major city is already a challenge. The culture here doesn’t exactly push people toward marriage or family. It’s all about career, hobbies, and self-fulfillment. Add being a Christian and abstinent to the mix, and it gets even more nuanced.
Early on in my dating journey, disillusionment became a familiar feeling. I can’t count how often I heard people say, “Abstinence isn’t for everyone.” And if I’m being fully transparent, I wondered if that statement had some truth. But I’ve come to this conclusion: Abstinence isn’t just for the super-spiritual. It’s a call for every believer.
Called to Be Set Apart
Over and over in scripture, God calls His people to be set apart. What’s encouraging is that God never pretends we’re not surrounded by temptation. He sees the world for what it is, messy, loud, flesh-driven. And still, He calls us to live differently. One verse that drives this home is 2 Timothy 2:20-21: “In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay. Some are for special purposes and some for common use. Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master, and prepared to do any good work.”
We have a choice. We can live surrendered lives and be used in powerful ways by God, or we can remain “common”, not because we’re not loved, but because we’re unwilling to surrender.
God is holy. He’s also forgiving, yes, but He’s clear: believers are not to engage in premarital sex (1 Thessalonians 4:3–5): “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.”
And his reasons aren’t about control, they’re about love. He disciplines because He loves. And obedience brings rewards, both natural and spiritual.
Jesus Gets It, He Does
I think we forget this sometimes, but Jesus was entirely God and fully man. He understands what it means to struggle. Hebrews 4:15 reminds us:
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” Before He went to the cross, Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, begging God to take the cup from Him (Matthew 26:39): “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” He didn’t want the pain, but He submitted anyway. He knows what it feels like to deny the flesh. And because of that, He empowers us to do the same.
The Discouragement of Dating While Abstinent
Dating while abstinent felt impossible at times, especially in conversations with men. I would hear things like:
- “You’re never going to find anyone.”
- “Men can’t abstain.”
- “It’s impossible.”
And after hearing it repeatedly, part of me started to believe it.
I questioned if abstinence was just something for me or a select few. I wondered if I had some “special gift” that others didn’t. But that’s not the truth. Abstinence is not a spiritual superpower.
It’s also essential to understand the difference between abstinence and celibacy. Abstinence is the choice not to engage in sex with the intent to marry eventually. Celibacy is the choice never to marry and remain sexually inactive. Celibacy and abstinence are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same.
After years of wrestling with the question, I’ve landed here: Abstinence is for every believer. Not because some of us are wired for it and others aren’t, but because God calls all of us to sexual purity. When we refuse to abstain, it’s not because we’re incapable; we don’t want to.
That may sound hard, but love without truth isn’t love. The truth sets us free (John 8:32): “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
My Journey, And Why I Wrote Ready, Set, Wait
In my book Ready, Set, Wait, I talk about the reality of navigating sex, singleness, and abstinence as a Christian woman. I share how childhood sexual trauma awakened a hypersexual desire in me. So when God called me to abstain, He wasn’t calling someone untouched by pain. He knew I couldn’t do it without Him, and I couldn’t. That’s what we have to understand: real abstinence requires God.
If You’re Going to Abstain, Do It With God
Abstinence is possible, but not without a strategy. You need tools. Here are three things I recommend:
1. Flee Immediately (James 4:7)
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Stop entertaining temptation. Those texts, DMs, “just checking in” calls? Let them go.
2. Take the Escape Route (1 Corinthians 10:13)
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
God always provides a way out, even when you don’t want to take it. Invite Him into those moments.
3. Guard Your Gates
Convictions aren’t legalism; they’re protection. That meant letting go of ‘90s R&B because of what it stirred up. Be honest about what triggers you and set boundaries accordingly.
Letting Go of the Temporary for What’s Eternal
- That moment of satisfaction isn’t worth the long-term disobedience.
- Sometimes, it’s not that you even want the person—you’re just tired of waiting.
- Saying “no” isn’t punishment; it’s protection.
Conclusion: He’s Not Withholding, He’s Protecting
Abstinence isn’t about perfection. It’s about pursuit. God isn’t asking for a flawless record; He’s asking for a surrendered heart. If you’ve messed up, you can start again. If you’re in the middle of temptation, you can choose differently. It’s never too late to come back to Him.
Holiness isn’t out of reach. It’s the fruit of obedience.
And obedience, even when it’s hard, is always worth it.
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