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Tierra Blair is a Support Coordinator for adults with disabilities in New Jersey. She also adopted the role as caretaker for her grandmother who lost her life to breast cancer. This is her story, as told to Elev8 managing editor Aliya Faust.
The Story:
When I first learned about my grandmother’s breast cancer diagnosis in 2013, it wasn’t that it was breast cancer. She told me she had a lump in her breast and that she had been doing an old school remedy: putting alcohol on things so it’ll go away. She told me not to tell anybody but I told my mother and my mother, being a nurse that she is, took her to the doctors who originally told her not to worry about it — that it was a cyst that would go away. We didn’t feel comfortable with that response, so we took her to another doctor and they did testing and diagnosed her with breast cancer. I felt confident that she was going to be okay. My grandmom was the strongest woman I knew. And she did end up beating it. The first time.
Grandmom Betty had been in remission for three years before she started complaining about back pain. On Valentine’s Day in 2016 she went to the hospital and they told her that her cancer had come back and spread. This time around, my spirit was telling me that it wasn’t going to be the same, even though I was still trying to encourage her, telling her she was going to be okay but she told me this time was different. She knew too. We both knew. Though, I didn’t know it was going to happen as fast as it did. She ended up passing on March 18, 2016.
The first time she was diagnosed, I did whatever she needed me to do from beginning to end. When she got her the mass removed from her breast. I stayed overnight at the hospital with her. Sat with her during chemo. Took her to her doctor appointments. Made her laugh. Helped out around the house. I was there every step of the way.
During remission, she went back to work, we would hang out, she got back to cooking. Everything was back to normal until she started complaining about back pain. Looking back at pictures today, I notice a difference in her body and in her face. She was thinning out a little bit, and she just didn’t look her full, healthy self. But seeing her every day in real-time, I didn’t really notice it as much.
After her second diagnosis, I feel like I was a little distant — more distant than I was the first time because I wasn’t living with her anymore and I was in a relationship at the time, but the relationship had nothing to do with it. I think I was more distant because I knew it was coming to an end. I would still go visit and call, but it wasn’t like the first time when I wouldn’t leave her side at all.
I guess I was trying to prepare myself, even though there was no preparation for that. I’m not sure. I didn’t realize what I was doing until after the fact, but I know I was staying away for a reason. I guess I just didn’t want to see her that way. She stopped walking, didn’t talk much, and stopped being able to do stuff for herself. So it was like watching my superwoman die right in front of my eyes and it was hard.
I remember when helping her to the bathroom, how she would collapse from the sink because she didn’t want to see herself in the mirror. My grandmom loved herself. She was always dressed up with makeup and everything. So for me to see her like that, it was just a lot. A lot of change.
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I feel like she knew that second time around was different, but she hadn’t lost faith. I remember us cleaning up her room and I saw where she had written down info from a Holy Water commercial. I assume she was attempting to order it to see if that would work for her. To this day, if I see that commercial, I get upset because I feel like she still had hope for change. She was a faithful woman and tried to do anything just to be here, even though she would act strong in front of us. Even still, she was at peace with whatever was in God’s plan. The commercial is always a reality check for me.
The Lesson:
My grandmom taught me that you’re not going to always be happy. Emotions are temporary. Be at peace with whatever happens, and just trust God throughout whatever journey you’re on, or whatever lesson you may be learning at the time because life is life is short. That’s the unspoken thing. You never know what’s going to happen. Do what makes you happy and if somebody doesn’t make you feel good, or something doesn’t make you feel happy, you don’t have to deal with it, no matter who they are or what it is, because at the end of the day, life is going to go on whether you’re on board or not.
When my grandmom was alive I would go to church with her sometimes, and of course, pray. I always prayed, but I used to look to her as my church. When she passed, honestly, I strayed away from God in rebellion, due to hurt, until I had my daughter. That’s when I started leaning more into my faith because I wanted my daughter to know God, and I knew it was only up to me and my mom to do that now that my grandmom wasn’t around. At the time, my mom had lost faith as well.
When the pandemic hit in 2020 and all we could do was sit with ourselves, I found myself still trying to find myself all these years after her death. It was either find something that’ll better my mental state or go crazy. Working out in the past years helped a lot, but this time I needed something different.
One day I was having a really bad day and a friend sent me a Pastor Mike Todd sermon. I haven’t looked back since. I’ve been more into my faith and I feel like God used her as a vessel. I started watching Mike Todd all the time, tuning in to church, praying more, and reading a yearly devotional her mom gave me; it really helped me with my faith and getting closer to God again. It’s been up and growing stronger every day since. It was a trickle effect, too. My mother started seeing what I was doing, and she started to watch church with me, and eventually started doing things on her own. She started going to church, Bible study, listening to TD Jakes. I gifted her a trip to Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Woman Evolve conference and I saw her spirit change.
God is in us. Looking back, I’m realize that’s something my grandmom instilled in us and wanted us to know. We stray, but He never leaves. I wish she could see me now, but at the same time, I feel like she’s living through me, too.
I teach my daughter things my grandmom taught me. Every morning we’re listening to gospel music. She prays all the time. I tell her, whenever you feel any emotion and you want to just talk to God, you can. She has a camera in her room, and I’ve heard her praying about stuff like, if she had a bad dream. So I’m instilling all that in her, like my grandmother did with me. What I thought I had lost has come back, multiplied by 10.
The Aftermath:
Today, we honor my grandmom by talking about her all the time. We have pictures of her around the house. We celebrate her birthday. She loved fried shrimp and french fries so we’ll go to a seafood place or Red Lobster to celebrate her. I have a necklace with what her name on it so I have that constant reminder. I have tattoos. I speak to my daughter about my grandmom and my daughter talks about her as if she met her before. We do cancer walks and wear pink in her honor. We donate to breast cancer foundations. Her memory lives in constant reminders around us.
Everything we go through, we still talk about Grandmom Betty and when she was here. So, even if there’s a happy moment, it’s sometimes still sad because she’s not here to experience it with us. While she’s no longer here in the physical and the grieving never really ends, we’re happy to know she still lives in us.
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The post Breast Cancer Struck My Grandmother, But It Also Ignited My Faith and Purpose As a Caregiver appeared first on Elev8.